By Anne Nonymous
As a writer, words play tricks in my mind so, when one of my writing partners suggested a serial story, my mind assumed that he meant “cereal” and not serial.
Confidentially, both my writing partners have novels about serial killers so I must remain Anne Nonymous, lest they seek me out and sic their serial killers on me.
Below are the names of some of the Cereal Killers Crew:
FROSTY FLAKES – a prematurely white-haired detective of a certain age who investigates mischief in the breakfast bar
RICE KRISPIES – Frosty’s Asian sidekick, deft with a knife, karate chop
LUCKIE CHARMS – Frosty’s BFF, an Irish lass with fey powers
JACK APPLETON – hero, police training and skill
CAP’N CRUNCH – hero’s buddy, wounded vet whose injuries make his steps crunch
CHERIO – a British gentleman, wears a monocle, can chains when needed
OAF MEAL – the villain, flaky, mushy, often in hot water
MA MILCH – major milk source, defensive of her territory and product
HAF and HAF – Ma’s twin sons, chubby and cheerfully stupid
ZERO PER, ONE PER, AND TWO PER – villains and minions, weak
BIG BANANA – major player in shenanigans, bookie, minor criminal
STRAWBERRI, RASPBERRI, BLUEBERRI – Big Banana’s girls
COUNT DROWNULA – minor criminal from Romania
Occasional short stories from our Shelf of Cereal Killers Mysteries will appear in the Journal. Here is one of them.
The Lady’s Charm
A shrill scream awoke the sleeping Cereals Boxes early one morning. They all swiveled out of line, trying to find the source of the sound which had disturbed their sleep.
Frosty Flakes was the first on the shelf to reach the source of the disturbance. It was coming from the elaborately decorated Box of the famous Luckie Charms who met Frosty at her door, sobbing.
“I’m frantic, Frosty,” she said, “because one of my charms was stolen during the night. Help me, my friends. My precious Box was torn open in the back and someone stole in and took a charm. Help me.”
When Frosty questioned her, Luckie wailed that she didn’t know which one was stolen. “I have so many charms that I can’t count them all because they are all at the bottom of the box. It will take me forever to get down to that level. The KIDS always root around down there to get some charms out but they never put the other ones back in the right place.”
“There, there, Luckie,” Frosty said, “We’ll all look around during breakfast to see if we spot anything unusual today. It is a Monday and all the KIDS will be slow to eat because it is a school day.”
Frosty knew that Jack Appleton, her police officer, would help her search for the thief. Even with that, all the cereals were on high alert. They peered into all the bowls with careful eyes but no one saw anything suspicious. It seemed as if even the villainous cereals behaved themselves that morning.
Later that day, as Frosty was consulting with Jack, she admitted that no one reported anything out of the ordinary at breakfast this morning. Then she even questioned Ma Milch
“Ma Milch, how about you and your sons Haf and Haf? You get to see a lot of action when the kids pour milk on their cereal?”
“Are you suggesting that my product is less than perfect, that it could harbor a stolen charm in its creamy surface. Surely not, Frosty. My milk knows better than to have foreign objects hidden in it. Why such objects might harm a kid or choke him if he swallowed it. Boys, did you seen any near choking accidents today?”
Haf said, “No, Ma. No one choked”
His brother Haf said, “No, Ma. No one choked.”
“So, there you have it, Frosty, fresh from the mouth of innocent babes. No choking on foreign objects in my milk today.”
Frosty was not surprised by the intensity of Ma Milch’s response. Milk, after all, had to make all the cereals edible to youngsters.
Just then, Cherio rolled over to speak privately with Frosty. “I say, old girl, I did notice that Oaf Meal slopped around in his bowl a bit more energetically than usual for a Monday morning. Think that might be something?”
“Let’s wait until the kids come home from school and see what happens,” she advised.
Sure enough, after school, the kids came back for snacks. One of them took Luckie Charms Box down from the shelf, tossed something into it, and ran back outside as Luckie screamed.
Frosty and Jack were right there to help her… “My charm. That’s the child who stole my charm and then just threw it back into my box. It’s all wet and gooey and smells like. . . like Oaf Meal.”
With her sturdy police friend beside her, Frosty confronted Oaf Meal in his round cylinder and demanded an answer. “Did you steal Luckie’s charm last night?”
“Yes, it was me who took Luckie’s charm but I was going to return it today,” he whined. “I just borrowed it for the day.”
“What would make you do such a thing, Oaf? You’ve got a good home here and plenty of kids eat you, especially in winter. Why would you have to steal one of Luckie’s charms?”
“Do you know how hard it is to have kids reject you morning after morning because you don’t taste as good as you crunchy, sugary cereals. So I used the little boat charm to catch this KID’S attention, that’s all. And it worked, didn’t it?”.”
Frosty interrupted his speech. “But that is no reason to take something of Luckie’s.”
“I couldn’t resist it, Frosty. It was a perfect little green boat that floated so nicely on my waves that I played with it all during breakfast until that KID swiped it from me. You just can’t trust some KIDS, you know.”
Jack started menacingly toward Oaf Meal’s round box until Frosty stepped between them.
“Gentlemen, we allow no fighting among our cereals so calm down. I think the best solution would be for Oaf Meal to go to the back of the closet for a while and think about what he has done. You know that the KID might have swallowed the charm and hurt himself.”
“Didn’t think of that,” Oaf Meal mumbled as he left the row of cereals in disgrace.
“Next time, Oaf Meal, resist borrowing a lady’s charm just to catch a cereal eater,” Jack called after him.
“Now, now, Jack. I’m sure that Oaf Meal feels bad enough without you making fun of him. That’s not the way good Cereals act, is it?”
“Besides,” Luckie chimed in, “I got my charm back unharmed. That’s all that matters. I don’t dare lose a one of them, you know. We’ve been together for so long, you know. Me and my charms.”
“Yes, Luckie, we all know about you and your charms. We all have heard about them many times. Now let’s get back in order before the KIDS come back,” Frosty ordered.
Laughing and jostling each other with their good humor restored, the cereals strolled their way back into position on the Cereal Box Shelf, satisfied that Justice had been done once again.
Stay tuned for more Anne Nonymous Cereal Killer Mysteries!